2022-09-26
“Most people are only as needy as their unmet needs”.
You are dependent on each other, biologically
Date secure people. I am secure. Roof claims avoidance. Phool is avoidant. Mother is anxious. Father is avoidant. I had anxious tendencies. I don’t anymore, and I attribute that to Vihaan.
If youre dating anxious: respond to their calls and cries for help, reassure them, calm them down , tell them you’ll be back in some time.
Use effective communication: “I love you very much; I need to know that you are there for me all the time. I know I can talk to you everyday and not just when it is convenient for you. I don’t want to have to cover up my wish to spend time with you for fear of driving you away.”
In a relationship, the other person well being becomes your responsibility, meeting their needs does as well.
Avoidant: 1. dont date, if you do - talk when they are distracted by another task - ability to repress decreases, true feelings can surface. You can use this in general - walking, cooking, closing eyes for example, even cuddling.
These people will have a phantom ex they will always compare you to.
Effective communication: “I understand that you’re frightened and there might be some comfort for you if I feel frightened too, but if you’re trying to encourage me to be more efficient at work - which you often do - this isn’t the best way to do it.”
SECURE PEOPLE DONT PLAY GAMES. LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE AT THE BACK. Stop the red pill game playing BS. Authenticity 100
They are: great conflict busters, mentally flexible, effective communicators, not game players, comfortable with closeness and unconcerned about boundaries, quick to forgive, inclined to view sex and emotional intimacy, treat their partners as royalty, secure in their power to improve the relationship, responsible for their partner’s well-being.
To become secure: be available, don’t interfere, encourage
when to consider breaking up or that you’re with the wrong person or they need to change their behaviour: you feel agitated, worried or jealous (anxious traits) or you think twice before expressing your feelings or you become less trusting or start playing games (avoidant traits)
Prime security - remind each other of security-enhancing experiences often
Do relationship inventory - page 122 kidle or 174 paperback
Anxious partner - message when getting or late or shit - even a thinking of you goes a long way
Indifference does not connote security
Make your house a place you and your spouse want to come to after a long day of work, instead of a battlefield
Never take shit behaviour, they have to get better, don’t let shit become the norm.
Avoidants use sex to distance themselves. May even only focus on PiV with rules like no kissing. An avoidant’s inner circle is also treated like shit - if you are ashamed to tell others how you are treated and are surprised when people tell you how sweet, nice, or considerate your mate is.
Naisha brought out the anxious in me. Is Roof also doing so?
When broken up. heat yourself, eat good food, exercise and cuddle with a friend or be pet by them.
When you have good memories, remind yourself of the bad ones or ask your friend to.
Remember: No break up sex.
Use Effective communication:
You want the partner to: get to the bottom of your concerns respond to the issue at hand and not dodge you take your concerns seriously and not belittle you find ways to make you feel better and not be busy acting defensive be in tune with your emotional well-being, not only factually or court-of-law
how to communicate effectively: wear your heart on your sleeve focus on your needs be specific don’t blame be assertive and non-apologetic
follow script at kindle page 170
for conflict: express your fears, don’t repress them You are not to blame for your SO’s behaviour your partner does not know what you are thinking. Tell them. Don’t assume you know what partner means - ask - repeat what you understand to them
To end: Be your authentic self your attachment needs are legitimate you will depend on the person you are closest to - it is a part of your genetic makeup a relationship should make you feel more self-confident and give you peace of mind, not the other way around. Is it the other way around with Roof. I think so, there is an emotional turmoil there that I do not feel with Arya.
Books: attachment in adulthood attachment theory and close relationships Healing together